Many people repeat the same type of painful pattern again and again. The circumstances of these traumas seem bigger & more hurtful over time, so as to draw our attention to them. For instance, everyone I have met who had an auto collision had 2 earlier warnings– first a near-miss, then a little swipe perhaps, finally the big bang. If we will learn to recognize & pay attention to the little signs along the way, we can avoid the big collisions.
Painful patterns emerge because we are trying to alert ourselves to a false belief about our life or ourselves. The majority of these beliefs are instilled in us before we are fully verbal, often at an age when we are too young to remember them consciously. An infant or young child is powerless; they are unable to fully process all the stimuli presented to them in the same way that an adult can. Events that seem everyday to a grownup, such as visiting a doctor for an immunization, can seem frightening and traumatic to a child. They are unable to process or reframe trauma in a way that leaves them feeling safe and powerful. The resulting false beliefs limit our joy and can attract traumatic incidents that repeat as patterns in our adult lives.
Let me give you an example of a pattern that is quite dramatic, and so very easy to discern. A young woman came to see me to make sense of the traumatic life she was experiencing. She cried for an hour or more as she told me her sad story. She had recently been robbed in NYC in a terrifying incident and was certain that she would die when her assailant pulled a gun and threatened her life. About 14 months earlier a man had assaulted her, knocked out several of her teeth, beat her to the point of unconsciousness and left her battered and bleeding. Approximately 15 months before the beating she was raped at knifepoint, beaten badly, and left for dead. It was quite painful to watch her re-experience the horror of these traumas as she related them to me.
As I questioned her, a long pattern of chaos appeared. These three incidents were the most severe in a life-long string of abuses and personal violations. This woman had been beaten, robbed, pushed, injured, and assaulted more times than imaginable. As she sobbed away, she told me she did not want to go on living, for life was too painful and horrifying to endure. I was her last hope, that she might find some peace after years of trauma. What had drawn her to me? A simple statement on my web site that I believed we can transform pain into joy. My heart went out to this young woman as I looked at her tear-stained face.
As I worked with her guides and Higher Self, a startling story emerged. Her Spirit helpers told me that at birth, this young woman was absolutely perfect, as all infants are. She was a confident, happy, positive and cheerful child. She reached out to the world with love, and possessed absolute assurance that loving arms would reach back. At the age of 14 months, her life changed forever.
This baby was taken to the park in her carriage for her daily outing. As she drowsed in the warm autumn sun, her nanny wandered off or fell asleep. As the child lay dreaming peacefully, snug and secure, some insane person came upon her, and set a fire under her baby carriage. She awakened screaming in terror and pain as the metal bottom of the carriage became unbearably hot. Her Spirit guides told me that this trauma had changed her belief about the world as a loving place. The people that were ‘supposed’ to take care of her had failed in their duty.
This traumatic incident started false beliefs that the people who loved her would not shelter or protect her, and that the world was a place where other people tried to kill you. You could be peacefully minding your own business, and a stranger would try to harm you. It was easy to see why this woman had experienced so many horrific and life threatening events. If you believe this is a place where people try to kill you, then that is what becomes true for you. It matters not what others think or believe, for what we believe creates our reality. Is there any wonder this woman believed the world was a terrifying place? For her, it was.
My client did not recall this incident, but she phoned her mother from my office, which confirmed the truth of the story. Her parents had never told her; they hoped that she had forgotten the incident, and feared they would traumatize her further if they revealed the event to her.
In my opinion, all children remember everything, even a fetus in its mother’s womb. I worked with this woman to remove her traumatic recall, and she walked out after one visit into a happier, healthier world. She still stays in touch, and I am happy to report that she has never suffered another attack.
Why is that? Because she no longer needs to recall her pain in order to heal the false belief she was burdened with. That is the only reason we relive painful circumstances over and over– to remember the false beliefs and heal the pain associated with those beliefs. Once I removed her false beliefs, I instilled a new idea that the world is a loving and protective place, full of hope and joy. Of course she must now find it so.
How do we know we carry false beliefs? We know because those beliefs were not in place at the moment of our birth. An infant is always born perfect—open, loving, unafraid, fully accepting of love and the inherent goodness of all beings, all things. The hurtful events that we encounter in life gradually teach us that we are inadequate, weak, and unlovable. If we learned false beliefs as a child, we can unlearn them as adults.
False beliefs, and the solution to remedy them, will always start and end with you. Your feelings, your experiences, your beliefs. Change your attitude, and the circumstances of your life will follow.
What painful patterns do you experience again and again? What limiting beliefs are you trying to alert yourself to? Are you always passed over for a promotion that you deserved, do you inevitably attract partners who are unfaithful to you, do you seem to have a particular type of drama happen over and over again? If so, you may be unconsciously reliving a false belief and trying to alert yourself to the need to change the belief and thereby modify its accompanying situations.
Your beliefs may not be as easy to discern as my client’s were, but they are there. Focusing on remembering how you felt in response to painful events may make it easier for you to recall similar incidents. The people involved will change, but the general circumstances and the emotions they triggered in you will be similar.
Once you think you see a pattern, write it down. What are the general types of experience that seem to reoccur? Summarize the circumstances in a line or two. Get a sense of how the energy works for you—are you always the one left feeling abandoned, the one who does all the work, the one who is betrayed, the one left unrewarded?
Next, try to see how this pattern has escalated over the years. It should become clearer and more apparent each time it appears. Try to trace the events back from the most recent to the earliest time you can recall. Allow yourself to fully feel the emotions that accompany this process. Do you feel angry with yourself or others, betrayed, sad or hopeless? Let yourself feel the emotions as clearly as you can. The reason these events reoccur is because we stuff our feelings about them down and run away from them in the present.
As yourself: What information did you not know or understand at the time of the event? What knowledge about yourself would have helped you to process or reframe this experience? Complete this statement: If only I had known ________, I would have dealt with this experience so much better.
For example, if only I had known that I was truly lovable, and if only I had been more self-confident, I would not have attracted such an abusive partner. Or, if only I knew how valuable and intelligent I was, I would not have settled for such a lousy dead-end job.
Once you have identified the negative beliefs you hold about yourself and others, you can begin the process of healing those beliefs. Just your becoming aware of them can allow you to begin ‘catching’ yourself as they come up. Work on affirming the truth—that you are a powerful, radiant, deeply loved child of the Universe. The more you believe that you are lovable, the more positive your attitude, the less drama you will create. I love this affirmation:
~No drama, no trauma; I choose to learn all my lessons through Love and kindness~*
I would like to share one final thought. I believe that everything in life is a gift. Some gifts come encircled in beautiful wrappings, and we are delighted to receive them. Some gifts come wrapped in ugly paper, and we may not view them so enthusiastically. Yet all things in life hold value… all events in life are gifts nonetheless. It is our job to unwrap them, and to look for the beauty within each circumstance.
You are a powerful, radiant, deeply loved child of the Universe. Believe it, and it will become so.
*For more affirmations, visit my facebook page.
revpeggyray 